The Quest for Perfection

I have felt an immense sense of pressure lately while designing a client's "dream home". It is a time-consuming and extensive process and I want -- for everyone's benefit -- for it to turn out perfectly.

Perfection is such a ridiculous word.

Obviously everyone at the table has their own ideas and visions of what the end result will be and those ideas often don't match up as nicely as one would hope. I've have had to remind myself (and the client) lately that numerous compromises --for numerous reasons -- must be made in order to actually get something built.

It's frustrating.

I was comforted today, however, after watching a documentary about Frank Lloyd Wright; who is often referred to as "The Greatest Domestic Architect of the 20th Century". It was revealed that in his quest for the perfect residence he was revising, remodeling, and reworking some of his greatest works right up until his death.

So I suppose if it was a lifelong quest for Frank Lloyd Wright then my only hope is to live two lifetimes if I have any chance of getting it right.

In that case I guess I should just smile and enjoy the journey...

Lessons on Fatherhood

Everytime I read this poem by Shel Silverstein I think of my relationship with my dad:

SMART
My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes -- I guess he don't know
That three is more than two!

Just then along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed feed store,
And the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!

And then I went and showed my dad,
And he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head--
Too proud of me to speak!

[I hope Shel doesn't mind if I add my own poetry to the end of this post]

I know we don't give each other hugs
As much as we maybe could
I know we don't say 'I love you'
As much as we maybe should

But I know what I know
Because you're my dad
And I know that I know
That is sure makes me glad

So thanks for teaching me how
To earn and save a nickel and a dime
And thanks for bailing me out
'Cause I didn't listen most of the time

I love you dad!

Bein' A Dad

These song lyrics by Loudon Wainwright III seem to sum up my feelings about being a dad pretty well:

Bein' a dad isn't so bad
Except that you gotta feed 'em
You gotta shoe 'em and clothe 'em
And try not to loathe 'em
Bug 'em and hug 'em and heed 'em

Bein' a dad can sure make you mad
Man it even can drive you crazy
It's as hard as it looks
You gotta read them dumb books
And you end up despising Walt Disney

Bein' a dad starts to get radical
When they turn into teenagers
You gotta tighten the screws
Enforce the curfews
Confiscate weapons and pagers

But a daughter and son
Can be sort of fun
Just as long as they don't defy you
They'll treat you like a king
They'll believe anything
They're easy to frighten and lie to

Bein' a dad (bein' a dad)
Bein' a dad (bein' a dad)
Bein' a dad can make you feel glad
When you get paperweights and aftershave lotions
Yeah it feels pretty great when they graduate
That's when you're choked with emotions

But bein' a dad takes more than a tad of
Good luck and divine intervention
You need air-tight alibis
Fool proof disguises
Desperation's the father of invention

So sometimes you take off
For a few rounds of golf
And you stay away for half of their lifetimes
The result of it all is
You're captured and hauled up
Before a tribunal for dad crimes

Bein' a dad (bein' a dad)
Bein' a dad (bein' a dad)
Bein' a dad can make you feel sad
Like you're the insignificant other
Yeah right from the start
They break your heart
In the end every kid wants his mother

I [Heart] Mom(s)

Although I spent time with and expressed my feelings in person to the mothers in my life, I let Mother's Day slip by without putting those thoughts and feelings into words and expressing my gratitude to those mothers whom I didn't get to see and speak with on their special day.

Thank you to all the mothers in my life. Thank you to those who without their existence, my existence would literally not be possible. Thank you to those mothers who without their existence my life as I know it would not be able to continue.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such smart, successful, and loving women.

Thanks Moms.

-Pres

Welcome Lucy Jayne

Lucy Jayne
today you arrived here
came to live with us on this earth
thank you for blessing us
with your beautiful birth

welcome little lady Lucy
we want to tell you a few things
we want to share in all your life
both the sadness & happiness it brings

live your life & live it well
'cuz time goes by too fast
open your eyes, don't fear the future
make sure to learn from the past

love your family, love your god
enjoy everything you do
you'll succeed, & if you fail
we're here to help you through

try new things, live your life to the fullest

'cuz you only get just this one

be brave, be strong, be bold

don't walk through life but RUN!

Love...Mom, Dad, & sister Skye

 


















Lucy Jayne Croxford
born Tuesday, April 24, 2012 @ 1:24 pm
7lbs 3oz, 20in

What's That Smell?

Much to my delight, Skye has been letting me read Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends for her bedtime stories lately instead of her usual princess books. So I guess because my mind was in the quirky poem mode I began thinking of a rhyme the other morning as I was taking the dogs on their usual walk:

Each day I see a lady who holds her nose as she passes
As if I or my dogs were emitting toxic gases
I try to say 'hello' & to offer a friendly salute
But I get no response as if I'd just let go an s.b.v. toot
I'm not sure if she's allergic or if she's just plain rude
I've got two happy pooches plus I'm a friendly dude
I'll admit I've been known to give off an unpleasant smell
Or maybe it's one of the dogs; at times it's hard to tell
But who is this stranger to cover her face as if she has to sneeze?
Maybe those fumes came from her; blown upward by the breeze?
Guess I'll never know why she thinks she needs a hand mask
'Cuz she won't say a word to me whenever i try to ask

* bonus points if you can identify the initials s.b.v.

Isn't it fun that despite the fact that I'll turn 30 in a few weeks that I still get a kick out of fart humor?

Tennis Ball

I was late for work every day this week.

With my bike on the fritz and the icy roads making it tricky to push a stroller I decided to try an experiment: What if Skye and I just walked to school in the morning? (NOTE: Skye goes to daycare every day, but it's called Lit'l Scholars, so we refer to it as "school")

It turns out that 2-year-olds are really slow walkers. I think it's a combination of the tiny legs and the short attention span. Our path was never a straight brisk walk, but rather more of a meandering stroll.

I stressed a bit knowing I'd have to work through lunch to get everything done at the office and I envied my little daughter with no agenda or schedule to keep.

We made tracks in the snow, and compared the size of our shoe prints. We learned what kind of tracks dogs make and to stay away from the yellow snow. We stopped to stare at birds, clouds, airplanes, and mountains. We counted trees. We practiced our colors and the ABC's. We sang songs. We took time to pet some dogs and to scare away some cats. We talked about cars and trucks and buses and bikes. We enjoyed the smell of coffee and bacon. We huddled together to try and keep warm. We laughed.

On Friday Skye found an old chewed-up tennis ball about 2 minutes into our walk and decided it would be fun to kick it along the sidewalk...the entire way. I joined in.

I was REALLY late for work on Friday...and I didn't care.

I've got something in my eye

My uncle Kim used to love to tell a joke that went something like this:

At the end of her tear-filled emotional talk in church a woman apologized to the congregation for letting her emotions get the best of her and struggling to get through her words, "I'm sorry for being such a big boob."
In an attempt to lighten the mood the bishop quickly took the microphone with an admission, "That's okay Sister [Johnson], we like big boobs!"

As much as I like big boobs as well I don't find it endearing to use that term to describe my own state of emotions. However it appears that today maybe some of Breck's pregnancy hormones may have rubbed off on me as my mental state has run the gamut.

This morning I left the house anxious to get to the office after a 4-day weekend. An exciting project awaited me on my desk and I needed to get to work.

As I arrived at the office I immediately noticed that I had received some mail while I was gone; I knew right away what it was: my test score. I debated waiting to find out the results until the end of the day but knew that I'd never be able to focus with that envelope glaring up at me. I grabbed some coffee, sat down, took a deep breath, and opened the letter.

The bold-lettered word FAIL stared back at me.

Not only was this supposed to be my last test on the road to my license, it was also my second attempt. Following try #1 I wasn't surprised with the failed results. After try #2 however, my confidence was high.

In disbelief and denial I quicky shoved the letter back in the envelope and hid it away in my drawer. I turned on my headphones, put my head down, and got to work.

Hours later I knew I needed to get out of the office so I headed to lunch. On the 1/4 mile walk I must have looked like a crazy person as I muttered frustrations and obscenities to myself. How could I have failed the test again? I was sure this was it, this was the end of the road; the beginning of a new chapter in my career. Was McDonald's really the answer? I piled on another bad decision to my not-so-great morning and walked in.

Following my less-than-satisfying lunch I was leaving the restaurant when I noticed the interactions of a father with his young (3 or 4-year-old) daughter. My thoughts immediately turned to my own daughter at home. Once again I looked like a crazy pereson to the observer who witnessed my tears as I walked down the street.

Why was I crying at the mere sight of a father/daughter lunch outing?

It reminded me of my motivation to continue the daily grind toward my goal. It reminded me that my life is no longer my own.

It reminded me that despite the persona that I may try to fool people into believing about me, deep down I'm really just a big boob.

Faking It

This is one of the best books I've read in a long time (and I'm only halfway through).

Here's an excerpt from "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon:

This is an essential element of the business of being a man: to flood everyone around you in a great radiant arc of bullshit, one whose source and object of greatest intensity is yourself. To behave as if you have everything firmly under control even when you have just sailed your boat over the falls. "To keep your head," wrote Rudyard Kipling in his classic poem "If," which articulated the code of high-Victorian masculinity in whose fragmentary shadow American men still come of age, "when all about you are losing theirs"; but in reality, the trick of being a man is to give the appearance of keeping your head when, deep inside, the truest part of you is crying out, Oh, shit!

For those of you who've posed the question "How are things going?" to me lately and gotten what appeared to be a cool and collected response like "Great!" or "Couldn't be better!" know that deep inside the truest part of me was crying out "Oh, shit!"

Mission Impossible

We spent Sunday afternoon at the State Fair. 

*Side note: For those interested, the State Fair is perhaps THE best place to do some people watching (well worth the $10 ticket) & coincidentally improve your self-esteem about your own appearance.

After being at the fair for at least 6 minutes we realize that we had come woefully unprepared with something to eat for our picky little toddler. Lucky for me, I was tasked with finding a suitable snack to calm the cries of my daughter. Here's the shopping list that my lovely wife armed me with:

- Fruit and/or vegetables

- Milk

Needless to say I spent the next 1/2 hour wandering hopelessly among the carnival rides, squeezing my way through the sweaty crowds, and holding my noise past the farm animals trying to successfully fulfill my fatherly duties.

Funnel cakes? Not even close

Deep fried twinkies? Um...tempting, but no thanks.

Chocolate-covered frozen banana? That's technically fruit...

Corn-on-the-cob? That might work, but the line is 1/2 mile long.

At last I returned with the spoils of my journey:

A strawberry-banana smoothie and a carton of vanilla milk.

Close enough, right?

Lyric of the Week - Just a Coincidence?

Pastor Dave gave a message at church a couple weeks ago (you can listen/watch it here if you're so inclined; August 21st, 2011) where he spoke about how "there are no coincidences" but that everything that happens is orchestrated by God & is part of His plan for our lives.

"Dear God, I'm trying hard to reach you.

Dear God, I see your face in all I do.

Sometimes it's so hard to believe in.

Good God, I know you have your reasons"

As much as it's difficult to embrace the thought that you don't have full control over your life, at the same time it's such a relief to know that you don't have to have full control over your life. He'll take the reigns if you let Him.

Artist: Monsters of Folk

Song: Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F.)

Album: Monsters of Folk (2009) 

Lyric of the Week - Times Like These

Here are some words I wrote this past week following the passing of Grandpa O. They could use some music.

Do your thing, Paul.

Time waits for no one
As it swiftly passes by
Moments & memories
Holding on we will try

In times like these

Our faith is put to the test

In times like these

When Earth loses on of its best

In times like these

We must rely on each other

Gaining strength by leaning

On father, sister, mother, brother

In times like these we try

But words fail to express

Our feelings of doubt, heartache, 

Of pain, loss, & loneliness

But if we are faithful

Have love for our lost friend

In time we will re-unite

Be together in the end

Title: Times Like These (2011)

*update*
Here's a rough-cut of these words put to music by my good friend Paul Timothy. 

Lyric of the Week - Legacy

It is amazing to think of the number of lives who have come into being as a direct result of you, grandpa.

"Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in"

It is only through the beautiful legacy that you have left behind that we are able to cope with such a tremendous loss.

I can only dream to be at least half the man you were. I'm proud to be one of those lives that exist because of you.

I love you Grandpa. I'll always keep a piece of your soul with me.

Wayne W. Ottley 1922-2011

Artist: Jack Johnson

Song: If I Could

Album: In Between Dreams (2005)

Lyric of the Week - Everybody's Got Their Own Everything

I was listening to this song by Eddie Vedder this week and had planned to post it with no more explanation other than "Food for thought".

"It's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
You think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free

When you want more than you have
You think you need
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed

I think I need to find a bigger place
'Cause when you have more than you think
You need more space"

I was then reading a blog written by an architect called think|architect in which the author highlighted a song called '41 Lawnmowers' by Billy Crockett which I think illustrates my thoughts even better. Click here to read it.

Artist: Eddie Vedder

Song: Society

Album: music for the motion picture Into the Wild (2007)

Bucket List

I'm officially creating my bucket list.

Item #1: Ride cross-country (USA) on my bicycle (east-west-->maybe...north-south--> more likely)

The idea has been bouncing around in my head for a few years now and I've probably only verbalized it to 2 or 3 people. Today, however, after coming across a blog written by a married couple from Salt Lake who are currently a few months into a ride across Canada I was inspired to officially put my goal in writing.

This is not intended to be a solo tour; so now I just need to convince someone else to come along with me!

Lyric of the Week - I'm...sorry?

"She's gonna be pissed when she wakes up for terrible things I did to her in her dreams"

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Just me?

Almost equally frustrating is when your spouse is mad at you for something you actually did do, however you have no idea what that thing is.

Being A Good Husband: 101 --> Always have a stockpile of "I'm Sorry" s at the ready. You're gonna need them.

Artist: Ben Folds

Song: Trusted

Album: Songs for Silverman (2005)

Lyric of the Week - Hip & Cool or just (C)old Hips?

Even when I was 'young & hip' I don't think I was really young & hip but rather more like 'young & average'. Recently, however, it has become readily apparent to me that I'm now even further removed from the in-crowd and have become 'old & uncool'. Our recent trip to Lagoon revealed to both me & Breck that we must be getting older because we no longer dress in current fashions and we kept thinking to ourselves (& often out-loud to each other) that kids just seem to be getting younger and younger.

When I was in junior high and high school I -- like most teenagers -- felt like an adult; I knew it all. Especially after high school as I got into college I thought I knew what life was about and could anticipate what was to come.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

For those like me who have gained a few years of perspective it has become clear that it's not clear. As the name of my blog indicates, even my hindsight is not quite 20/20.

One thing I am sure of is:

"When we were your age we were older than you"

I look at kids in their late teens and early 20s and they're just that -- kids. I can't believe Breck and I got married when we were that young! Our parent's must have been crazy to allow that to happen. On second thought, they must have known what they (or we) were doing because that decision I made as a 'kid' was the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Are you listening, Skye? Even though you think you know what's going on, it's really your parents calling the shots. Listen to them.

Even if they are old with creaking knees and hips.

Artist: Gary Jules

Song: Barstool

Album: Trading Snakeoil for Wolftickets (2009)

Lyric of the Week - Yours, Mine, & Ours

As we were wrapping up a fun-filled holiday weekend spent with family I was overcome with emotion as I watched my lovely wife interact with our beautiful daughter and my loving family:

We spent the last few days of our trip with my family at our wonderful Croxford Cabin overlooking beautiful Bear Lake. As we were packing things up and preparing to head home I paid particular attention to Breck's attitude and emotions toward my family. Though I'm not sure why, I was anticipating Breck conveying a feeling of relief at the conclusion of our vacation and a sense of urgency to return home; to my delight and surprise I witnessed the exact opposite. All weekend I had observed from afar Breck's casual, comfortable, and easy conversations and interactions with my family and now although our bags were packed and the car was loaded and ready to go we both lingered, hoping to delay our long drive home. We lazily chatted with my family about nothing in particular and let the kids play together just a little bit longer. 

As a continuation of our reunion from the previous weekend and because family was still in town visiting, a day trip to Lagoon was planned for yesterday. Even though I was stuck at work and couldn't go, Breck had no hesitations about taking Skye to join the fun with the other cousins. Yesterday evening after the girls returned from their outing I was treated to stories and photos conveying what a fun time was had by everyone; further emphasizing that I missed out on the party.

"In the door she's waiting, living up to every diamond in that ring.

Who am I to love you?"

Even though Breck "joined" the family over a decade ago and officially became a Croxford more than 9 years ago it is still such a joy to me to see how my family has welcomed her and loved her and equally a joy to see how she has embraced them as her own. There is no longer 'hers' and 'mine' but each of our extended families have become 'ours'.

I don't deserve such a wonderful wife and hope she never realizes she could do better.



Artist: The Samples
Song: Who Am I?
Album: Transmissions from the Sea of Tranquility (1997)

Lyric of the Week - Listen

These lyrics require no explanation. Music can change the world.

"Hear a song.
You sing along.
The words...you identify.
You don't feel so alone tonight.
So rest your soul now,
'Cause music saves your life.

Artist: Ian Love
Song: Hear a Song
Album: Ian Love (2006)

Lyric of the Week

After leaving the testing center last week on the verge of tears (okay maybe a few tears sneaked out; but no one was there to see it) because I had just blown another test, I was not feeling like it was "a wonderful world". Immediately upon getting in the car to drive...somewhere (I didn't want to go home) this song was playing on the radio:

"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see 'em bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself; what a wonderful world


I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself; what a wonderful world


The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really sayin' "I love you"


I hear babies cry; I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself; what a wonderful world"

Thank you satellite radio for knowing exactly what I needed to hear.

Artist: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Song: Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World

Album: Facing Future (1993)

(Original song by George David Weiss & Bob Thiele and sung by Louis Armstrong; c1968)